Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Pensive

My youngest daughter at Chatsworth


An entire season of months has ebbed, and so many thoughts and experiences have just dried up and blown away . . . rather like the leaves, which are being shed with dispatch now that it is November.

We’ve had big things going on in our family life:  huge transitions in the youngest and oldest generations.  And I’m here in the middle, feeling battered by it all.  My husband has some pressing worries, and last night he twitched for hours until just giving up – long before dawn -- on the attempt to sleep.  That sort of sleepless night is more common than not at the moment. I don’t feel that the details are necessarily mine to share; so unsatisfactorily, I offer nothing but a tentative mood, an emotional residue.  Even though I’ve experienced only the most kind and sympathetic side of blog-friendship, it’s no use pretending that what I share here can be held in confidence.

Stress has made me selfish and solitary.  Certainly the act of blogging is as elastic as you want it to be, but for me, at least, the reciprocity of it is essential.  Over the past couple of months, I’ve been in this inward-looking state that hasn’t really lent itself to lots of external exchange.   I don’t feel that it is right “to talk,” if I don’t have the time or energy “to listen.”  Does this make sense?

 Hopefully, I will tunnel out again – and soon.


Chatsworth gardens, Derbyshire

35 comments:

Jelica said...

Hi Beth, I understand your inward-looking state quite well, and why it doesn't render itself to writing. I hope the causes of stress will be resolved soon. Bon chance!

Sarah Laurence said...

My heart and thoughts are with you and your family. Having once gone through such sleepless nights and troubled days, I know that when life returns to a new normal you will appreciate it all the more.

Mac n' Janet said...

Hope all works out and the stress lessens and the nights bring sleep again.

Gretel said...

Hi Beth, I have thought of you and wondered how you are - sometimes - often - life is far more important than blogging and you need to do whatever you do to cope. If that makes any sense. What I mean is, it is good to hear from you, even briefly, and I'm sending you good wishes, for everything.

Poshyarns said...

I am so glad to see a post from you, even an anxious one. I know very well what you mean and have experienced similar feelings when "real life" has stunted my blogging voice. I hope that gentler times are ahead for you and your family.

Teresa O said...

I join the others as someone happy to see a post from you. I can relate with transitions and worries, stress and moving inward for shelter and reflection. I'm so hoping that all works out for you and your family.

rachel said...

Oh, how this post speaks to so many of us! But you aren't being selfish, you know; there are times when we have to look after ourselves in whatever way works, and that might mean shutting out the rest of the world for a while. Good to hear from you again, and hoping that things become easier soon. We'll still be here when you have space to start blogging again.

elizabeth said...

Dear Bee,
You have been sadly missed in Blogworld --but we see your sure touch has not deserted you.
A thoughtful and elegant mini-essay. I'm astounded you managed to express so perfectly and concisely all we need to know.
Sending all good thoughts your way to you and all your family.

Marcheline said...

Sending you virtual hugs and the knowledge that it doesn't matter about the details, no need to post that sort of thing. All we need to know is that you're having a hard time, and we (your blogfriends) can start sending you loads of uplifting thoughts, good wishes, and positive energy. We'll be here when you get back from dealing with everything, ready to share the sunshine when it returns.

Elizabeth said...

So sorry to hear about your troubled state of mind despite the fact that it is quiet normal that days like these turn into months before the end of the tunnel shows some positiv light again.
Just to take one day at a time and maybe a small nap in the afternoon will help you to put through.

Cottage Garden said...

I'm sorry to hear that life has been difficult for you and your family of late, and there is no need for explanation or apologies. We are just glad to see you, albeit briefly as you traverse your way through that tunnel. Just concentrate on what really matters and we will be here on the other side when you are ready.

Jeanne
xx

Magpie said...

Sorry for all the difficulties. Here's hoping things get easier, soon.

Beth said...

Yes, everything you have written makes sense. I understand – hence, my own very extended blog leave last year.
And remember, stressful times do end – perhaps not as soon as we like, but they do... In the meantime, take very good care of yourself.

(good to hear from you…)

Delwyn said...

There is life and there is blogging ~ and sometimes they meet and mix and sometimes n'er the twain shall meet

a sound and sensible approach when blogging can be a big beguiler...

I look forward to further stories of yours in the future.

Bruce Taylor, a.k.a. Catalyst said...

Sorry about the troubles abounding.

But those photos! And your lovely daughter. As we used to say, with feeling, Heartbreak Hotel!

steven said...

oh bee . . . so much of the surface skin of life is so very hard and crushing and demanding and sometimes it feels entirely good but so very often it shrinks in on the wearer and the very best is lost in the miasma. every blogger suffers - not necessarily equally or in a similar fashion - but we all carry suffering of one sort or another. i wish you well - better than well, in carrying on towards your own necessities and your own ambitions and your own wishes and dreams and i wish the very same for each person in your family no matter where their divergence might take them. steven

Frances said...

You always make sense, and this post is filled with beautiful writing, telling readers like me of the varying seasonal changes touching you and your family.

Let me also send thanks for those beautiful pictures of turning leaves at Chatsworth.

Best wishes.

SueAnn said...

I hope that your journey smooths out soon and that the stress level lowers to a more manageable level! And I also hope your husband can get a restful night sleep!
Hugging you
SueAnn

Tracy Golightly-Garcia said...

Hello Bee

I am sorry to hear about your stress. I have left my blog for a while due to my mom suffering a stroke and coming to terms with things.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Best
Tracy :)

Pete said...

Quite understand about the privacy and needing time away from blog-reading and writing. Sending you and your husband lots of good wishes.

And I love those photos. I knew I'd seen that house somewhere before (had to Google to make sure but it was used as Pemberly in Pride and Prejudice). Lovely.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Shining a light at the end of your tunnel and hoping for a positive emergence from this for you all, B.

Meanwhile, sending love and 'baby steps' and thank you flro letting us know how you are x

Za faran said...

Sleepless nights of anxiety will pass.
Just stumbled upon your blog and liked your style of writing.
Hope to read more.
Wishing you calmness and peace of mind.

Lucy said...

Makes perfect sense. All that the others have said needs no repeating, but sending much love and all hope that your path grows smoother soon.

Your daughter is indeed lovely.

Cait O'Connor said...

I do know how you feel, I have experienced the very same as you and all I can say is for me it all passed and all was well in the end. I always say to myself This Too Shall Pass - it does too. It's a lovely photo of your beautiful daughter, I look forward to reading more of your wonderful posts when your stresses have passed.

Jennifer said...

I also turn inward under times of stress, so completely understand your silence. I hope that this time shall pass quickly and that all will be well with you and your family soon.

You write so beautifully - I'm wondering if you have ever thought of writing a novel?

Best,
Jennifer

kristina said...

Dear Beth,
I hope you turn a corner soon, and that things start to fall into place.
xox K

Dave King said...

Hi! It was great to hear from you this morning, but so sorry to hear that things are that stressful for you right now. And not just you, which makes it all the more difficult. It wont help to say I've been there, but I do have some inkling of what it is like. I do hope it is but a phase and one that will pass soon. In the meanwhile, every blessing to you all.

kristina - no penny for them said...

i so relate to what you are describing - on so many levels. wishing you strength, but also the freedom to retreat when you need to, and to share with whom you can when that is what's needed. xx

Barrie said...

It was good to hear from you, although I'm sorry for the difficult times. I'm with Beth; they do come to an end. Never fast enough, though. I loved the photos. Take care. xo

julochka said...

it makes perfect sense. and that photo of camille is lovely (if a bit sorrowful and pensive). we can all get lost in our own thoughts at times...

xox,
/j

Kristen In London said...

Feeling for you. Here if you need to talk. My stars are a bit misaligned myself.

Christina said...

hello my friend,
i am always thinking of you.
i am here for you if you need a friend.

i send you love~

xo

Relyn said...

Talk all you want, friend. I'll listen.

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